Last Friday night I watched Into the Wild, a movie based on John Krakauer’s book.

I have not read the book although I’ve been aware of it and the story it tells for years. I may pick it up this week and read it… or I may not.

I have my opinion about the tragic story of this kid who rebels against everything this world has to offer and ends up paying the ultimate price.

The movie was directed by the Patriot Sean Penn and the music was done by Patriot-in-Training Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam).

Sean Penn: “Bush is evil”
Eddie Vedder: “Yeah, and dumb.”
Sean: “He lied.”
Eddie: “Yeah, big dumb liar.”
Bruce Springsteen: “Hey, what about me? I matter! I’m relevant.”

With Penn as a director, it shouldn’t be too surprising that the movie stressed themes that glorify anti-establishmentism (is that a word?), irresponsibility, and the inability to participate in meaningful human relationships (with one exception, the relationships that were lauded were those between the main character and some hippies, the main character and another couple of drop-outs, and the main character and a convict).

There were some redeeming values in the movie, but let’s move on. If you are interested, every thought I could possibly have about the movie has been addressed on the web as has every opposing thought. Go to it. That is not what I want to concentrate on.

I will say this. I liked the movie a lot. It was also one of the saddest movies I’ve ever seen.

Onto the music.

While watching, I was drawn to the music that Vedder did for the movie. Instant gratification is a wonderful thing and 2-3 minutes after deciding I liked it (at 1230am), it was downloaded and I was listening.

I was met with this:

“On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that’s me
So I can breathe… ”

— and —

“Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed”

This is so beautiful, man. Just live and let live, brother. Yeah.

These words pierced my heart, for many reasons.

10-15 years ago, these lyrics would have gripped me (and my friends) as we sat around drinking (and worse).
As we lambasted religion and everything connected to it.
As we ridiculed ministries like Focus on the Family (for different, more naive, reasons than those for which I ridicule Focus today).
As we preached about societal expectations and non-conformity.
As we threw out deep thoughts like “just let people be” and “what’s so bad about feeling good”.

Now the words (mine and the lyrics to these songs) just seem quaint; shallow and ambiguous because it’s much easier to be vague than exact. It’s much easier to believe in everything than it is to believe in something.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m glad lyrics like this are out there. I’m happy this ear pudding is out there, because angst-filled teens and 20-somethings (Yes, Eddie, I said teens and 20-somethings) need something to grab ahold of when they are holed-up in their rooms after school. It’s just great that they have this deep, poetic, drivel when they really need it.

It makes me sad.

The thing is… angst-ridden teens and idealistic 20-somethings, generally, after working themselves to exhuastion trying to “find themselves” or to just “be free” simply end up with more angst or depression. They end up being screwed up 30 and 40-somethings. Or like the kid in this movie, they end up dead.

I’m not using the word ’sad’ lightly here.

As I listened to these words, my eyes filled with tears. I thought of how lost so may are and of how many lost people (Sean, Eddie?) are leading them further away from any semblance of truth. I thought of how blessed I am and of the love that is showered daily, and undeservingly, upon me. Why me?

I realized that I was there. I was where the kid in the movie was or at least where the throngs who identify deeply with lyrics and themes like this are.

I realized how far I’ve come from that world; that world of unbelief that accepts everything and loves nothing. Today, through the Grace of God, when I now think of “freedom” or “rules”, I think of Psalm 119:45.

I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.

We have such liberty in Christ and he condescends so far to give it to us.

“Lord, you are giving me everything! And all you ask is this??”

It’s a freedom that, to me, is palpable. I can feel it. I feel it physically when I wake up in the morning or when I’m frightened; or when Christ helps me win the latest in what will be a long line of struggles with doubt and unbelief. Call me a loon, but even the air feels different to me now. And it feels the same sitting here at my kitchen table as it would in the wilds of Alaska.

We all know that we need something else. And so many are searching for something else. But the answer isn’t to turn inward or drop out, abandoning everything and everyone including those who love you, no matter how imperfectly. Like the reviews of Into the Wild, the thoughts on what we are looking for are endless, so I’ll defer.

“Thou movest us to delight in praising Thee; for Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee? ” Augustine